So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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