just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He shit in the fireplace
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
