but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
