When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
