that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
