just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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