you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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