Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize