My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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