Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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