Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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