All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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