You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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