Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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