her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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