If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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