Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
