I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
