i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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