I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
