I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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