Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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