I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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