you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
