it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
