You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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