I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
