I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
