i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
