forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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