i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
