i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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