i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
