smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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