Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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