My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
