just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
