You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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