I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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