Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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