I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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