I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
