Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize