'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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