woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
