So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
