You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
