Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
