i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
