I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
