ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
