What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you will always have a special place in my vag
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
