im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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