I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
