i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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