Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
