just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
