Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
