If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
