And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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