I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
