I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
