the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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