Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize