too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sober January is a disaster.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
