OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
