Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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