I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
