i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
