He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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