I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
