I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
