I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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