He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
